Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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