wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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