Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Randomize
