I didn't shave. On purpose
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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