and you said cock pushups were impossible
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
