I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
