I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
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