Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
