I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
