I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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