Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
