Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
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