I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
