She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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