I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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