I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
