It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
