Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
