She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
