Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
