I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
