I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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