everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
All I want is dick and wine.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize