if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
