are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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