Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
