I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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