I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
