there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
