After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
