I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Let's get the cat blown out
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
