guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize