Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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