you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Randomize
