dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
