I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
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