DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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