so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
FUCK WHALES
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
