I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
