Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Did I show you my penis last night?
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
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