hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
