Will you blow on my dice?
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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