apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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