did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
