he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I had to cum in my sink.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
