I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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