did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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