I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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