He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
