Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
