a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
