dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize