I just cut my nipple shaving
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
