Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
