i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
