he wants to bone in the snuggie
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
