I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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