dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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