Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
