I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Randomize
