So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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