The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
