There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
