man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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