I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
